Project Kickass

Satire, sarcasm, schadenfreude and self-deprecation. There will be alliteration also!

Michael Jackson, the moonwalking former child star who became known the world over as the “King of Pop” before his life and career deteriorated in a freakish series of scandals, died Thursday, a person with knowledge of the situation told The Associated Press. He was 50. The person said Jackson died in a Los Angeles hospital. The person was not authorized to speak publicly and requested anonymity.

The circumstances of his death were not immediately clear. Jackson was not breathing when Los Angeles Fire Department paramedics responded to a call at his Los Angeles home about 12:30 p.m., Capt. Steve Ruda told the Los Angeles Times. The paramedics performed CPR and took him to UCLA Medical Center, Ruda told the newspaper.

The mantle of famous child molesters and pedophiles is now left in the hands of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski.

Too soon?

-When looking in the mirror to shave you might notice that you have one eyebrow hair that is a little longer than the rest.

-You might look at the clippers that you use to trim your beard as a good idea to fix the problem.

-Even though you set the guard on the clippers a bit longer to compensate, the angles of your eyebrow change as you go.

- You now have an eyebrow with little divots in it like Vanilla Ice, but neither of you are cool.

- Don’t try to even them out by lowering the length setting and shaving both eyebrows.

- Short eyebrow hairs are very light and look as if you have no eyebrows.

- Its hard to find an excuse as to why you have no eyebrows. You could say it was fireworks but they are not sold in Arizona.

I should have know better. I only had one item to get, I knew it was close to the cash register and I would get out of there relatively unscathed.

Effing Walmat!

I wasn’t going to fight rush hour traffic just to go to the real-people store, I just needed a case of Diet Coke.

I walked in and was immediately hit with the familiar smell of dirt, BO and fat. I was 10 seconds in and had my Coke and was in line. I checked my 6 for carnies and the ambulatory half-dead that inhabit this place, nada. I was out in less than 2 minutes.

I walked to the far corner of the parking lot where I always park, this gives me 3 clear egress points where I have no traffic to impede my quick get away.

I see a car has parked next to me. Was it a nice car  parked there so it remained unmolested by the meth-addled denizens of this low priced nether world? No, it was a ford POS with the widows rolled up and dog tied to the wheel.

It is a very warm 97 degrees out today, not bad for a dog laying in the shade but in a car with the windows rolled up it,s about 120 degrees.  The dog is panting and howling as it scrapes the widows. There is no coming and judging by the fact that car wasn’t here 4 minutes ago and now is I thought the owner might be in Walmart for a while.

There is shade in the spot directly in front of the car and I look inside the car to see if its a stick. I could pop it neutral and push it to the shade, no such luck. I get in my car, throw it in reverses and pull up to the rear bumper of the POS. I give it a little gas, no good, I drop the Road Warrior (really a 2000 Toyota Camry) into 2nd and punch it while playing the theme song from Cops in my head. I hit reverse again and the swing into the space next to the car. The tire marks that are left are heavy and black, and dare I say, totally boss!

I pull out my Mag light as I exit my car and smash his left rear window, the dog jumps a bit but is other wise happy about the fresh air. I walk around to the right side and, after a few hits, take care of the driver’s widow. The odd thing here is that I didn’t break the window I just hit it a few times and it dropped into the door well. I gave the dog some water I had, filled up the cup holders and then took the 64 oz soda I had and dumped in the passenger seat. The liquid soaked through and the dog ate the ice.

The dog was now in the shade with proper ventilation and I had to run.

Sir, I am sorry that you will have to replace the widows but  judging by the $2000 rims and wheels  that you have on a $800 car you might want to consider a new car instead.

Besides your whole tail light assembly is smashed all to hell.

Dear Human Resources representative, I apologize that I made that mistake. It was a solar flare that disrupted the earth’s magnetic field and thereby slightly altering my sense of north and south. I have already checked with NOAA and have the data to prove as much.

That’s the only excuse I have for walking into the woman’s bathroom. Either that or I am just a total tool with ADD and a poor grasp on spacial recognition.

As noted before, I always look for a urinal as I enter the room just to make sure it is the right bathroom. I know myself well enough to guard against these mistakes. I walked in, looked to my left and saw mirrors and sinks, aww shit. Until now I had dodged this bullet for a year, my track record was unblemished.

I looked across the room as I slowly backed out and saw you exiting a stall, I was just waiting for you to scream and throw a fit. You shocked me with your coolness and the way that you said ” I think one of us is in the wrong room” without missing a beat. I answered back “Well that machine is selling tampons so I think it’s me”.

I bid you good and walked back to my desk where a half dozen of my co-workers saw me walk in and wanted to query me about why I would do such a thing. I chose not to tell them that  I am absent minded and just made a mistake instead I told the I was fed up with woman’s lib and if they wanted to be treated like a man I was gonna use their bathroom.

Ladies, I am sorry that I breached the perimeter of your sanctum sanctorum, I meant no harm.

Thank you for being cool and funny about it.

In my long search to entertain America (mostly the 7 readers here, Hi mom) I have devised a first date ritual that may not only impress the ladies but bewilder and confuse them at the same time. I don’t know why I think that ladies want to be bewildered but a true Star Wars chick cant help but be impressed by this(my Monte Python idea went down in flames).

The rules are very simple, you can only respond to her by using lines from Star Wars(from the 80’s, the new ones are awful but use what you can).

Her- Thank you for taking me to a nice restaurant I’m a bit upset that you are late.

You- I can feel your anger it gives you focus, it makes you stronger!

Her- I fear that I don’t get your meaning but thank you for acknowledging that.

You- Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.

Her- OK, but I’m not really angry.

You- Anger, fear, aggression the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Her- Ok then. This is a nice place hope its not too spendy for you.

You- If money is all you love, then that’s what you’ll receive.

Her- Again not what I was saying, I just was it was a nice place. Err hmm You look nice!

You- When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.

Her- So umm, what are your thoughts about our new president?

You- All who gain power are afraid to lose it, even the Jedi.

Her - I guess that’s true, so you like Star Wars I take it. Would you like to be a Jedi or something?

You- The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but the learner, now I am the master.

Her- Now you’re just freaking me out, I have to go.

You- I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a big light blur. Look, Your Worshipfulness, let’s get one thing straight! I take orders from one person! Me!

Her- I have no idea what you are talking about, Seacrest out!

From there it usually devolves into a shouting match and some state authorities are called. If all else fails tell her that you can make the kessel run in three parsecs, chicks dig that.

If you find the right girl this tactic is magic, magic I say.

Are you listening?

I hear that a few times a month. I should be grateful that I do hear it seeing that I am deaf in the right ear and have 50% hearing in the left. I supplement my hearing by reading lips. Now I don’t have any formal training but I guess I just picked up what I needed to get by.

Most would assume that this is a great hindrance, but I say no! This has opened a new world of con-foolery and slick-trickery to me.

I always look a person in the eyes/lips/face area when they speak otherwise I will miss half of what they say. This benefits me as always seeming engaged and interested whilst I play the Family Guy theme song in my head.

Women seem to love this and have mentioned that it is nice not to have the other person just stare at their chest as they speak. I explain that I’m very hard of hearing and read lips a little and unless their chest is speaking it wouldn’t help me follow the conversation. They always giggle and smile. Score one for me.

In my professional life I have found this enormously helpful.In sales the main rule is that you ask for the sale and then shut up. I ask for the sale and look at the customer until an answer is given. People are not deft at hiding their buying signs when you are staring at them. It speeds up the encounter and I am grateful.

Im not saying that I have super powers but men fear me and and women adore me. At least thats what I am saying in my head as I pretend to pay attention to this customer.

No, this is the good one!

Thats the joke I like to play on those that seem a bit uncomfortable asking me about my eye. Its actually a replaced cornea that was badly scarred. I wish I had a good story about how it happened like I was injured trying to find Ossama Bin Laden or it was injured during a fight with ghost pirates. Alas nothing as glamorous. The iris is stretched and it looks like a cat eye. I usually hear “That’s cool” and I reply with my old standard “How cool? Cool enough for you to want to give me cash/ make out/ wash my car”? No takers yet, but I am patient. I digress.

The shape of the eye sometime give an ominous look leading people to think that I am scowling at them. I found out this was known as the stink/skunk/evil eye. My usual jocularity and silly antics put people at ease and I no longer am placed in the mean guy category. With that said I will now retell a story, a story of pain. A story of disgust and trauma only seen by trauma surgeons and homicide detectives.

It was a glorious spring day. A day that could put the most devout curmudgeon and Nair-do-well in the best of spirits. A day when I took no offense at doing one of my least favorite chores. Mowing the lawn. I hate all the prep work and extras that one does just to cut grass. Shovel poop, empty the catcher, fill the garbage bags and so on. I call shenanigans on all that! I’m a free spirit! I will just forgo the catcher and that other drudgery that keeps me from the sweet sweet smell of fresh cut grass.

I mow.

I mow sans catcher(the little rocks that gently pelt my shins are not bad). The grass will fly out the catcher attachment, dry up and blow away. No problem. I mow over the dog doody. It will scatter all over and not be a problem.

Halfway though I see a pile, take aim and run over it. I never thought a piece of poo could exit the catcher hole, catch the wind and hit me. The odds of that are huge. Even greater are the odds of that same poo making a turn, catching an updraft and flying at my eye. The stink eye non the less. It was like a scene from the matrix only with dog poo. It was horrible and I still carry the scars. What I can’t figure out is why I felt running around like a mad man and yelling poo would help me.

So now when I am asked about my stink eye I do have a good story.

I just wanted to eat my quesadilla, it’s my one joy in the week. Every Wednesday I sit at a picnic table next to the photo booth turned Mexican restaurant enjoying my cheesy plunder. It’s a ritual that I have had for years. It is the only hour in my week that is peaceful. No one is screaming in my ear about domain names, MX records or shared hosting.

I digress.

As I sat there you came rolling up in your huge truck and parked 3 feet in front of me. I could barely hear the dulcet tones of Fiona Apple blaring from your cab as you and your girlfriend sang along. Our eyes locked and you scowled at me as if to say “Fucking breeder”.

That’s when I knew that this wouldn’t be a peaceful Wednesday at Los Betos.

You exited your truck with your young girlfriend in tow. You needed to mark your territory and show me you are a manly man albeit with saggy breasts and sans penis. You stood in front of me and asked “what the fuck you looking at ?”

Let me state here that I don’t do confrontation well, I avoid it as best as I can. That being said, I am a student of the school of overwhelming force.
If its worth doing its worth overdoing!

“A great flannel nightmare and sexual abuse about 20 years ago” I retorted as I returned to my cheesy fare.

“What the Fuck dude, I will Fuck you….”

” Let me stop you there. I understand that you need to make up up for the lack of being able to pee standing up by trying to act tough in front of your girlfriend, who is young, confused and about 4 months away from the epiphany that she does indeed like dick and needs to get away from your dominance. I am not going to be the proof that you are a big man even though you are, indeed big. So let me eat in peace and tell your girlfriend to stop staring at my package, my eyes are up here.”

I lowered my eyes a bit, not to show submission but to allow her to save a modicum of face by not appearing to stare her down.

She waddled to her truck, got in and left.

I’m like Popeye. Instead of spinach, cheese is my power food and instead of being strong I become a super tool.

Tell me of this thing you humans call *dramatic pause* love.

If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.

They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.

Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!

You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.

My ‘up-time’ is better than BSD.

I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.

Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.

Want to see my Red Hat?

Do u have an unlimited data connection at home,looks like you have downloaded all the beauty in the world?

I found this on the inter-web, enjoy.

I have had, until recently, three refrigerators at one time. It’s a simple story, let’s see if you can follow. When I lived in Boise I had a rental in the northern part of the state that I had furnished with a new fridge (that makes two). I moved to north Idaho and into my rental and brought the fridge from Boise with me. The fridge that was already there I put in the garage and just used it to cool soda.

I have since moved to Arizona and the house that is being built for me comes with all of the appliances that I will need and … and a new fridge. Tada, simple right? Well not so simple when choosing to sell the fridge that you don’t need.

It’s new, or at least newer, clean and has been used a total of 7 months. It’s a $500 fridge that I wanted gone for $150 so I thought the simplest way was to place an ad on Craig’s list.

Buyer #1 calls me at 6am to ask if I am up yet. I am now I say and they tell me they will call back after 9. I say thank you for the warning and the lost sleep as I can’t go back to sleep once I am up.

Buyer #2 emails me from her blackberry to ask these very important questions.

A.   What color is it.

I tell her same as I stated in the ad, white. Not off white. Not egg shell white, just very very white.

B.  Do you take checks?

No!

C.  Any way you can run a master card?

If you want me to run it down the street yes but otherwise no.

D.   So just cash right.

I will accept confederate bills and wampum but seeing as you have neither, just cash.

E.   Does it have a freezer?

Have you ever seen a fridge that doesn’t? Even the mini’s do.

F.   Has it seen much action?

Are you asking if my fridge is a war veteran or a prostitute? Other that the fact that I wrote in the ad that was used for 7 months and runs perfectly I really can’t tell you more.

G.   How are we gonna work this out?

I have no idea what you mean, all the times that I have purchased things there was the exchange of remuneration and then some heavy lifting followed by a brief period of leaving.

H.   Well I just don’t know.

Well mam I don’t know either! I wish I could know enough for the both of us but I would have to charge you for that service and I don’t have the patience nor do you have the critical thinking skills for that to happen so I bid you good day.

I said good day!

A few day later a lady called and asked if I sill had it I said yes and I wanted to mention that it had a dime sized ding on it. I told her it was on the side on wouldn’t show unless she placed in the middle of her living room. She said maybe she wants to place it in the middle of her living room and that I should take $20 of the price because of that. I told her that I’m not charging her for electrical cord or the plug. I told her the plug has three prongs which makes it 50% better than most plugs that only have two prongs.

She laughed and agreed that that was a pretty good deal. She came over 10 minutes later, paid cash and her sons loaded up her new fridge on a truck.

What a sucker!

You are a very nice guy. Of all the dentists I have gone to, your office is the most comfortable. Whether it is your always pleasant staff or the genuine warmth that you show when you great your patients you make my least favorite place bearable.

You are always efficient, dare I say speedy when you need to drill or perform some other unpleasant procedure. I get the sense that you know its an uncomfortable situation and you wish to make it as fast and painless for me and your other patients.

That was, until Wednesday.

You started with a Novocaine shot as usual and then the humming began. You always hum to the Muzak that plays in your office. Usually no big deal, I have even heard you whistle a few times.

I don’t recall if this song was playing at the time or if it was just a tune you may have heard a few moments earlier but when a man in a mask is 2 inches from your face humming “Feel like making love” I tend to freak out. There are many things that will start the launch sequence on one of my freak outs and I thought I was aware off all of them.

You found a new one.

After a few seconds the humming subsided and I felt a bit more calm. That’s when the whistling started.  I was hopped up on Novocain and full of the usual phobias that come with people poking the nerves in my mouth. My head was swirling as clouds of tooth dust flew past me and all of these strange dental instruments were going in and out of my field of vision.

As soon as it started it stopped.

You told me I was done and would be numb for a bit and I should  schedule my next appointment with the young lady at the desk. On the way to front desk I stopped in the restroom to collect myself before facing your secretary. I splashed water on my face and washed my hands and as I looked for a paper towel your saving grace appeared.

Cloth towels! Dozens of them, all neatly packed into wicker gift basket adjacent to the sink. I looked around for a paper towel as these are almost certainly for decoration. None, nada! This was it. These are for customers.

Dear reader, do you know the trouble one has to go through to refill a basket like this?

So Mr. Dentist I doff my cap to you! You are a goodly fellow well met and have repaired any damage you might have done with your humming.

I’ll see you on the 15th at 10:30.

Dear space creatures,

I pen this missive in the case that I am ever abducted. I do not wish to infringe on your rights to abduct humans I only wish to set down a few ground rules.

1. No probing of any kind!

2. If you feel the need to abduct me, call first. I will go willingly but I don’t want to be scared by a late night visit. Any time after 10 am till let’s say 7 pm.

3.If you abduct me before dinner you have to feed me. Not to be cheap but if you can afford a cool space ship you can afford quarter pounder with cheese (extra pickles please).

4. If you are going to do some medical experiments on me I ask that you treat a few ailments that I have (bad knee, lower back pain and the like).

5. No over nighters! I need at least 8 hours of sleep or I’m grumpy the next day.

6. No alien/human breeding scenarios. I don’t need to explain to the wife  that part of my check goes to support some kid on the Androm13 home planet.

7. The only thing that I ask in exchange for participating in your experiments is that I leave with a super power of some kind.

As long as you heed these rules I’m ok with the abduction.

I woke up this morning with the realization that I was woefully unprepared in the case of a zombie attack. What follows is the 3 step program that I prepared in the event you are attack by the undead horde.

Decapitation-

As we all know the only way to kill a zombie is to sever said zombie’s head. With that in mind I have lowered all of my ceiling fans to neck height.

Misdirection-

I have placed “Free Brains” signs on all of my neighbors doors. I am not sure if zombies can read but if they can my hope is they will pass me by.

Appeasement-

I have posted a sign on my front door that lists directions to my local Walmart. In the note  I say that it is a store full of brains and is called Brainmart. This might seem cruel but lets face facts, those people are already dead inside.

Feel free to implement this plan if you don’t already have one, unless you are my neighbor.

When I lived in Spokane a few years ago I ran this ad as a goof. I still get replies, 213 so far. To answer your questions I never answered any replies as most freaked me out and yes I am a total tool.

——–

I will give you what no other can.

A paper hat!

Thats right ladies your own paper hat. I will make it for you out of that days paper. If you wish I can adorn it with frilly things and semi precious stones.

Wanna be a sexy pirate? Can do.
Wanna be a French emperor? No problem
A sweet cowgirl? I can make that happen.

Paper hat baby!

Unlock that free wheeling child in you with a paper hat. Quantities are limited, I think the Spokesman only puts out a thousand a day so get yours.

I come with the paper hat too.

Mid thirties? Yep
Average looking? As average as it gets
HWP? A few extra pounds
Single? You got it, women wont touch me
Ever married? See above
Have hair? More than others but spread out across my body so that no one part gets more than the other parts
Have teeth? All 68

Act now and I will build you a fort made from couch cushions.

This is a 30 day trial offer. If you decide, for any reason, not to keep me keep the paper hat as my gift to you.