I am not what one would call a gourmet. Not a gastronomical engineer nor a culinary specialist. My meals are usually ordered through a clowns head of some sort then delivered by a person who’s lack of hygiene is only rivaled by their apathy. But I digress.
I decide that I need to learn hot to cook bake or at the very least make food hot in preparation for consumption. To that end I hit the grocery store and searched for a home made meal that wouldn’t tax my limited skills. I settled on fish sticks and coleslaw, best not to set the bar too high.
I got the fish sticks home and remebered that I needed tartar sauce. Whats in that anyway? Just mayo and pickles and some other stuff, I can make that. I took the sticks out and read the directions on the box, heat in oven for bla bla bla. I was already bored and thought that the crux of cooking was just applying heat. Who cares where it comes from, right? That when I saw it, the toaster. It works for pop tarts why not this application. Why hasn’t this been done before, why not this method on the box. I think the fish people have a deal with the oven people. But I digress, twice now.
Now onto the tarter sauce. A little mayo, a bit of relish and what else? I know it needs something else. How bout those horsey sauce packets I got from Arby’s? Something else, something crunchy. Baco bits! I love bacon, I love mayo.
Now that I have the sauce time to put the sticks in the toaster, I can get half of a box in here.
Without boring you I will tell you of my findings.
1. The sauce was disgusting, although crunchy.
2. The tensile strength of fish sticks when place upright is greatly degraded. After 3 minutes the oils in the fish turn the coating into little balls and the integrity of the whole stick is compromised.
3. When the sticks are cooked into a toaster said toaster is never the same and will always reek of hot fish oil.
4. When the toaster ejects the finished sticks all that emerges are thousands of tiny hot and oily crumbs. Its like a ticker tape parade but with steaming fish balls.
After I cleaned up the mess the next words to come out of my mouth were ” ya I’d like a #3 combo, can you super size that for me”.
How do I put how hard I am laughing in here? What the hell! It is not possible and I am consumed with guilt that I cannot share with you how hard I laughed and am still laughing about this…Martha Stewart on a budget? This helps me to write note to self to not do this as Toaster is ruined.
Sorry for your toaster…
My husband once buttered a slice of bread before putting it in the toaster, it must have been a lot of butter. The toaster was ruined. He also mistook pancake syrup for vegetable oil (how????) and tried to fry with it- effectively turning a frying pan into burnt candied ruin. Thankfully, he did these things before living with me.
Umm, and he successfully baked a pan of brownies, but then thought, maybe because he’s retarded, that it would be awesome to put lemon frosting on them….
I guess we all have to learn at some point.
I see nothing wrong with his logic!
I’ve been a chef for a number of years, most recently in health care/retirement community settings. As such, we have to hire a lot of inexperienced people and generally give them tasks that aren’t complicated.
I was working as a Sous Chef (that’s French for head bitch) in a continuing care community and we had the pleasure of working with an intern from a local university, majoring in… who knows what- his skills were limited. He decided one day to make himself a BLT, but wasn’t in the main kitchen where we had ovens and such, but was in a serving area that happened to have a toaster as the only appliance for heating stuff. So, genius, as we liked to call him, put the bacon in the toaster. The commercial $1000+ toaster. Bacon grease and electronics… sparks. He said it made perfect sense to him at the time.
You are not alone.
Maybe they just need to make better toasters?
They put the bacon in the toaster at Subway. What magic have they conjured?