Middle age said hello to me today.

Well not middle age but as I was told by a fortune teller at the Renaissance Fair that I will only live untill 70 or so and seeing that my basic math skills are poor and I tend to round up I think my argument is valid.  I don’t go in for all the hocus-pocus scooby-doo mystery stuff but she was a full-on Gypsy. Maybe she was just from Austria, either way she was mysterious and had a cool accent and I was drunk.

I digress.

I have spent the better part of my 36 years on this planet guarding my groin from the errant baseball the all to common punch from my 3 foot high nephew and the dreaded bar on girls’ bikes. I have successfully guarded them against the angry girlfriend as well only to have my testicular protecting record shattered by me. I guess it is true that you are your own worst enemy, and the worst enemy of your balls as well.
I’m not sure who says that but it is true none the less.

I am still at a loss to imagine what satanic geometry, what demonic underwear malfunction allowed this but at 3:23 PM on 30 January 2010 in the year of our Lord I sat on my balls.

The pain was almost an aside to the shear horror of what took place. I felt as if my soul left my body and my heart stopped beating for a moment. I was embarrassed, sad and dare I say impressed at my reaction time. As I sat in my chair and events unfolded I almost made it to a full sitting position before my brain registered the pain and I lept in the air and spun 300 degrees (insert Nutcracker joke) . I landed and braced myself for the oncoming waves of pain.
I would not be walking this one off.

I thought about calling my doctor but as she is a woman I try not to have conversations that start with “so here is the deal with my balls” I instead chose the internet.
I found that many other men have done the same thing and more severely.

I went to the fridge and got some frozen corn niblets and proceeded to watch “The IT Crowd” series on Netflix.

No moral to this story, unless you count “Dont sit on your balls” a moral.