Ok, I know it was a strange first meeting but at least you’ll have a story to tell your girlfriends.
I was at the corner mini-mart after work to get my post work soda. I was parked in the second to last slot. I usually take the farthest slot so that no one can sneak up behind me (its a partially deaf thing, I can’t tell where sound is coming from and in noisy environments I try to avoid any embarrassments).
I was bent over with the passenger door open cleaning the trash from the passenger side.
That’s when it happened. You slid in behind me in a Jeep filled with two of your girlfriends and as you cut the engine I farted, right at you. I thought I was alone and loosed the aggregate farts that I had been saving all day. The sound was deafening, even to this deaf guy.
The sound was akin to a cat and an empty paint can being throw into a dryer and the spun for 5 seconds. It must have scared you, it scared me.
I saw movement out of my good eye and immediately spun around in shock, I had no idea people were behind me or I wouldn’t have initiated the full launch sequence. There was a lot of road noise around us as I told you “Its my fan belt, it makes odd noises”. You saw the car keys in my hand and told me that fan belts do that sometimes but my car isn’t turned on. I scrambled for a comeback then said ” That’s how bad it is. It makes that noise even when its turned off”.
You laughed and I did.
We had our little moment.
As you walked in the store and I opened the drivers door to get in and you said that I might want to get that checked. I asked if you where referring to my fan belt or my digestive system. You laughed a bit more as I pulled away.
Dear reader, that’s the closest I get to a love connection.
Twitter
Facebook
RSS
StumbleUpon
Fuck love. You don’t need it, you’ll do better on your own. Power to lonely single bastards!
Bitter much?
My good man C,
Not only did U miss a “Love Connection” but also a prime opportunity to display good taste & high class manners coupled with romantic & practical notions. I’d suggest offering to share a bottle of wine, as an apology to make up for the offensive “let off.” Then, after a glass & some small talk, offer your new found friend the cork from the bottle to prevent any flatus upon your next encounter…I hope this helps…
Sage advice, ty
This would make a very good “Lost Connections” ad on CraigsList. If she’s pretty, and your skills with prose impress her, I’d be glad to take her off your hands.
Are you using the verbiage “I’d be glad to take her off your hands” as if answering a Craigslist ad selling something? If so it is funny, if not it is creepy. Either way I applaud you.
Sweet Baby Jesus. How do you store up farts? I need to know as I consider this a super-power.
Why are you calling me “Baby Jesus”?
But put it this way, you were just getting a head start on the “dutch oven lovin” moves you’ll put on the future Mrs. Kickass – so all is not lost…but some air, of course
What a sweet story! You’ll both remember it for a long time.