Project Kickass
You are welcome Internet
Sorry that I broke into your car 11 times this year
Jan 29th
I am amazed by the fact that the 2000 Toyota Camry seems to have been only sold in one color and on any given day the parking lot at my work is filled with no less than 8 of said Cameri.
As I exit the front doors of my work every morning to take a break I head for my car with the sun shining directly in my eyes. I usually can make out the color and the model of my car among all of the other cars but the sun is shining in such a way that it is hard to make out many other features. What makes this whole process a bit more sticky is that we all have the same hubcaps with no tint on our windows and all are sans bumper stickers.
So I am here to sheepishly admit that I have opened or attempted to open all of your cars at least once and simple math tells me that a few of you got a second go around.
I am sorry, I am embarrassed as noted by the fact that I removed my hubcaps to better identify my car. This works great! I can avoid staring into the sun and single out my car.
It works great until 3 other of you do the same thing.
I think that we need to start a club, The Order of the Cameri. We can swap stories and tell rakishly funny Toyota jokes if there are any.
I mostly just like the name, we don’t have to tell Camry stories.
I have red fever
Jan 28th
There’s no two ways about it, I have red fever. I’m not sure when it started or how started, but it is an illness that I now recognize and have to live with.
I am in love with red hair. It does not matter if it is naturally red or some shade of red, it sets my teeth on edge.
Flo from Progressive, I love you.
Scully from the X files reruns. You rock.
Part of this new found illness is that I don’t differentiate between true redheads and the chemically altered, they are all bewitching.
The girl at the convenience store, rock on.
The chick at the bank with the pink hair, see you on Friday.
The funky chick at my work with the crazy streaks, shine on you crazy diamond.
You all made Roy G Biv your bitch and I love you for it!
Wink Wink Nudge Nudge Say no more
Jan 8th
I see you a few times a week, albeit through the drive up window but we still have our thrice weekly date nights. I attempt to dazzle you with Spanglish and you smile. You always smile, I can never tell if this is truly a warm greeting or its a defense mechanism that you have to hide your tenuous hold on the English language. Either way, I’m ok with this.
I always order the same thing and you always ask me to repeat my self. I re-order in Spanish and wonder why I hadn’t ordered in Spanish to start with. I make a mental note to do this next time. I have made the same note many times and then forget the very next time that I drive through, I guess it is a process.
I pull up to the drive through window and open it and the smell is glorious. You stand there surrounded by the smell of deep-fried, well everything and the sound of the grill spitting and hissing. You lean over to take my change and as you do I can just smell your hair and it is breath-taking! Never before had I thought that the cross between Herbal Essence, bacon and chorizzo would elicit such a response, but my heart races non the less.
You return a few seconds later to give me my change and as you did you cupped my hand with your left hand and passed me the change with you right.
I see what you did there! You are a sly boots indeed.
You give me a single finger pointed upwards to tell me you and my order shall return in one minute. Dont you worry, I would wait at least cinco minutos for you, or my food, but for both?
I digress.
You return, paper bag in hand, 5 napkins and the food prepared as I like. I told you months ago that I like the quesadillas a little crispy, I never had to mention it again.
You have never failed me.
I look in the bag, more out of habit than the questioning of your order-taking skills. 6 red salsas, not the usual 3 you give to the other monkeys, 6! These are cold, you stored them in the fridge for me, the other patrons get a handful out of the room temperature container you keep on the counter.
Just wanted to let you know that the message was received.
Game on!
Open letter from my dog
Jan 6th
WTF?
I mean wtf dude?
Why?
I know that I am a little young and a bit rambunctious but why. Do you frequently have those that upset you castrated? You said we we going for a ride. It was never mentioned that the ride would culminate with me loosing my nuts. Would you go on a ride like that?
Ok, I understand that neutering is supposed to make me live longer and better but how about trying a diet or something before you jump to the castration thing.
Was it the frantic running everywhere?
The insensate barking?
The dry-humping of anyone’s leg/couch/pillows/open door jams/boxes/shoes/vacuum cleaner?
Was it the peeing in your shoes? I bet it was the peeing in your shoes.
A little shoe peeing and off with the nuts.
Well whats done is done. I guess Ill just have to live with this, not much I can do. I mean I’m a dog what can I do.
Just know that someday I will I will avenge my junk!
Snow War Day 5
Dec 20th
It has been very warm the last few days. All the compacted snow that is middle of the street is slowly turning to slush. My Nemesis and I haven’t dueled for a while. There’s just no snow.
At midday I drive to Costco to get my favorite treat, a hotdog.
As I return my eyes widen as I witness him shoveling the ice from the street directly in front of his house . WTF? Nobody does this, its stupid and just plain wrong. I cant imagine, in my wildest dreams doing something so silly and truly odd. Standing in the middle of the street on shoveling ice and slush while avoiding the odd car that might pass. Its the kinda thing that brings the police and gets you a 72 hour vacation at the state hospital. Have I driven him to this? Have my taunts and stink eyes pushed him over the edge?
I watch him , relishing the state of dementia that I have seemed to unleashed upon him. I start to feel bad, but then I pick up Sun Tzu’s “the art of war” and keep reading. Even 13th century Chinese warfare can help me.
Today was a victory, though a sad one a victory non the less.
