I woke up this morning with the realization that I was woefully unprepared in the case of a zombie attack. What follows is the 3 step program that I prepared in the event you are attacked by an undead horde. I immediately bought 300 cans of tuna then I devised this plan.
Decapitation-
As we all know the only way to kill a zombie is to sever said zombie’s head. With that in mind I have lowered all of my ceiling fans to neck height.
Misdirection-
I have placed “Free Brains” signs on all of my neighbors doors. I am not sure if zombies can read but if they can my hope is they will pass me by.
Appeasement-
I have posted a sign on my front door that lists directions to my local Walmart. In the note I say that it is a store full of brains and is called Brainmart. This might seem cruel but lets face facts, those people are already dead inside.
Feel free to implement this plan if you don’t already have one, unless you are my neighbor.
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You know, you’re right. I work at Wal-Mart. I’ve been dead inside since around 3 weeks after starting. Putting us, and all of the poor slobs who shop there, out of our miseries might be the kindest thing you could do in the event of zombies.
That said, you might be better to direct the zombies to K-Mart. K-Mart has less shoppers, typically, and therefore would perpetuate the spread of zombies much less. Also, Wal-Mart tends to have slightly better *giggle* quality survival gear inside, including bullets, tons of foodstuffs, and things like lighters and butane, for those hard to kill deadders. Wal-Mart also has a half-way decent stock of things to reuild with, like tools, furniture, and crop-growing supplies. Finally, by looting the Wal-Marts to survive, you would have the added satisfaction of both avoiding the zombies that would be at K-Mart, and in destroying the company that most likely unleashed said zombies.
Not that I ever think about zombie attacks, of course.
You make a well thought out argument, I think I love you!
Why are Walmart stores all red and white? It hurts my eyes when I first go inside. K Mart was a happier place to shop come to think of it, I don’t think Zombies would enjoy shopping at K-Mart; which maybe why they left my neighborhood since Walmart was right down the street and the happy people started doing the thorazine shuffle behind their Zombie friends to Walmart.
Walmart is like a drug that’s really bad for society, hard to quit but miserable to be hooked on. I guess that’s because they focus on getting people hooked with their give away deals.
They aren’t. Here, where I live, they’re blue and grey, or green and grey. I have yet to see a red and white Wal-Mart.
I will notify all my zombie slayer friends of your epic plan…great work….you are a helper in banishing zombies…
Walmart has more security cameras than a casino (or at least as many). I was in court the other day for a traffic citation; it was misdemeanor court and a couple of Hispanic girls were in court for shoplifting at Walmart. One of the court orders they received was to go to the Victims/Witness office and set up restitution for Walmart (they obviously got the goods back, since the girls were in court). I thought to myself, what a crock! Walmart a victim. They have more money than most of the countries that manufacture the goods they sale. Anyway, this is on Zombies so; I will say that two less zombies are not permitted to mill around Walmart anymore.
I have no idea what that is.
This is an excellent plan. Not only will it lead zombies away from your home, but by sending them to WalMart, it will hopefully destroy a store you’re terrified of.
Great tips! Actually, I ride the train with zombies at 5 a.m. everyday. They emerge from their coffins that look like parked cars. The come out of the fog and drag their one bad leg. They’re really pretty mellow on board, maybe cuz it’s too early.
My 11 year-old son like this post alot.
Remember that band in the 80’s, “Train Zombies”?
What were their hit(s)? Alt/punk? Refresh my sorry ass memory.
Maybe I was thinking of Zamfir, master of the pan flute.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gheorghe_Zamfir
Now see, I always thought killing the brain of the zombie was enough, like on Shaun of the Dead. I watch that at least once a week so I’m prepared for the inevitable attack. But now I have to totally remove the head? What a drag. I have some neighbors without brains already so I’m not sure if misdirection is going to work in my neighborhood. I suppose I could always shop at Target if I must.
I am glad to hear that you are prepared.
You could also put a picture of Michael Steele with the caption-This Man Has The Biggest Brain In The World
Well played Sir, well played!
I loved ALL THESE ANSWERS and the post of course. My idea is that you could have the zombies fight the satanic “Happy Face asshole” that has tortured me personally via email a few months ago. The fact that they give him a knife would make me, if i organized the zombies of course, get a stash of bowie knives to make sure the zombies were armed and could take this evil Crappy Face on in a fair fight. You would have to make sure that all involved were aware the the Nappy Face sometimes has been at the local WalMart for HOURS before the different shifts arrive to bemoan their fate once more. And be sure that the employees know to keep the zombies seperate from the thorazined entities that aren’t dead, only look it, by making sure that the supply of the “shuffle slippers” are readily available to them to wear so as to create a noise-maker, if you will, that will help differenciate the actual zombies from the thorazined so as to keep the mortality rate among them as low as possible. If a zombie dies, no biggie, they have an immortal somthing-like life, but some of the thorazined have lawyers…
I would love,love, LOVE to send zombies to all my neighbors’ houses! Here’s to praying they can read enough to figure out the signs that will be going up tonight in each yard. Of course it will be a quick feed as I have decided all of my neighbors have brains the size of peas. I cannot bring myself to believe they have regular size brains and be as stupid as they are. Not possible.
You are my hero!
Thank you for the master plan. I am going to use it in my neighborhood, which is full of half dead old people anyway.
I appreciate you not sending the zombies to Target, as I shop there. Zombies and soccer moms don’t mix well!
Why would you not want to be a zombie?
All the brains you can eat? I’ve never been known to turn down a buffet.
Plus, it would explain away this gingivitis.
Ha!
I am a zombie-lover, but I love your plan.
It works!
If I’m ever in a zombie scenario, I’ll be the wise cracking colored guy. Which means I’ll the be the first to get my head bitten off.
My boyfriend has spent long hours ranting over what we would do in the case of a zombie attack. First of all our hours is filled with all different types of swords and other weapons. We decided that we would first fight our way to Wal-Mart and blockade the entrances. It is a very sturdy building with very few doorways that would be easily sealed off. It has lots of food as well as the appliances to cook the food. (and also an in-store McDonalds) Several guns and countless boxes of ammunition. Myself being a hunter would have never ending fun sitting on the roof and picking off all the zombies that you send my way. (I’ve had plenty of practice playing zombies with my boyfriend on CoD: WaW) And on the strange chance that I do get bored Wal-Mart is filled with games. I’m sure I could find something to entertain me. All in all your plan is excellent because it will keep me entertained since all the zombies will be milling around my location instead of somewhere else where I can’t shoot them.
1) Wal-Mart has more shoppers than K-Mart, therefore more brains.
2) K-Mart employees are fucktards, therefore smaller brains. I should know, I worked there for 4 years.
my ex told me the best plan in the event of a zombie attack, not that im going to tell you, that would be silly, you’ll all do it and take credit for the idea, however i thought i’d brag that this plan makes sense and that i know about it… nuh PS: i havent played CoD WaW yet and did not know anything about zombies in it.. wow… want to play now
We don’t have K-Mart or Wal-Mart in South Africa, so in the event of a zombie attack, I’m fucked…
Unless of course I put signs up to tell them there’s brains on the top of Table Mountain near where I live, so when they go up in the cable car, I take it out with a surface to air missile.
Yeh that’ll work, I like blowing things up…
Or fire an air to air missile from a chopper, I like them too and it would save me having to lug the fucking launcher half way up the mountain to get the best shot.
Therefore leaving energy for more important things like sex and drinking.
Good plan, fully loaded Huey it is, in bright orange so the stupid twats can see me coming, but can’t do anything about it. Ha ! Right, bring on the zombies.
P.S. Coppola, eat your heart out…
It seems that everyones plan is defensive in nature. I suggest a new, fresh approach. Go on the offensive. I suggest breeding a mutant strain of raptors. Release them when the zombies attack walmart. This method serves an obvious dual purpose. With an additional benefit of stopping the zombie multiplication problem of only redirecting the grey-matter sucking drones. When all said enemies are gone, activate the raptor self-destruct as a grand finale of carnage and destruction.
Well thought out sir!
This is a weird story I am surprised Lol