I sat in the ER whilst a family member underwent a battery of test to diagnose the acute chest pains she was having. I sat there for hours worrying and could think of nothing else than her well being.
Well that and the fact that a 350 pound man was sitting across from me farting. Not the kind of I’m sorry that I have gas and will try to muffle the sound, no this was full on locker-room farting.
After the doctor assured me she was fine but they would have to run more tests I settled in for another 3 hour wait. That is when I took pen to paper ( really crayon that I took from the children’s play area and a brochure that spelled out the dangers of the Swine Flue or Monkey Pox or something animal-bore illness) and started naming your farts.
The list that follows is only partial as I got a late start in the flatulence nomenclature cycle.
The chippy
The gutbuster
Zig Zag
The horn o plenty
El Tootaroo
Sphinctorus Maximus
Poop Shute’in Boogey
Achey Brakey Fart
The Three Tenors
The Terd Burglar
They Took Our Jobs
Touching Cloth
The Snorlax
If you happen to be in the John C Lincoln ER you might just find this list as I tucked it back in the middle of the other brochures so that the names that I gave your farts can be enjoyed by future ER dwellers.
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You’re killing me! Thanks for the laugh…but I find Touching Cloth a little disturbing. Does it mean what I think it means?
Maybe http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Touching%20Cloth
I like “the Chippy”. I think I know that one.
I am partial to El Tootaroo
im gonna miss ya @ work bro…your memory will be kept alive by screaming “SNACK HOLE” every so often…no sugar packed snack required…miss ya buddy!
You are a sugar packed snack
This one really made me laugh. Not just a chuckle, but full on laugh. I laughed so hard I farted, which seemed utterly appropriate but smelled utterly inappropriate. Something has been wrong with my GI tract lately. I’ll spare you the details, but earlier one seeped out while I was organizing a small walk-in closet. I blacked out for a few seconds.
Knowing this I would never hire you to organize my closet.
hah! but would you hire her to organize your pantry? I think you would sir. and I don’t blame you.
P.S-
Your writing reminds me of a somewhat, more level Hunter Thompson. brilliant!
As a fan of the late Mr. hunter I truly thank you for the compliment, and I am balding and like guns as well.
“They Took Our Jobs”!!! I’m still wiping the tears away… BRILLIANT!