I wish to take this opportunity and apologize. I try to make our shared workplace a fun and exciting environment to come to. I do realize that some of the things I do may seem off putting and a bit repetitious but I come from the school of thought that states that things are most funny around 255th time that I do them. With that said let me list a few of my oddities and lay bare my secret shame.
I can see how it might be startling that at 12:45 every day I announce to all those within ear shot that I am going to lunch by bellowing that I am, indeed, hungry like the wolf. A few of you giggle and ask if I am going to see Rio as she dances on the sand and one of you even asked if I had a date with a West End girl. I laughed at both and to the latter I made sure you knew the difference between the Pet Shop Boys and Duran Duran.
As far as my standard “Thats what she said” line that I say at every opportunity I have opted to go with with the HR friendly acronym TWSS.
As far as nicknames go I will apologize for any offense but still use the nicknames. Please dont attribute any malice to these names I just have a poor memory and don’t wish to rock the boat at this late date.
The guy with the huge scar on his forearm from a recent dog bite with still be known as Shark Week.
The gentleman with the very Irish appearance and surname to match will still be known as Boondock.
The young lady with the pony tail that is an accomplished practitioner of Kenpo karate and boxing will still be know as Million Dollar Baby.
The very nice young man who has numerous body modifications and a shaved head will still be known as Sloth and I will offer you a Baby Ruth daily.
To my 6 foot 7 inch 250 pound amateur MMA friend, I will still call you a big monkey and tell you to go back to Skull Island daily.
To the young man with fully grown Grizzly Adems beard, I will still call you Beardo.
Deal with it.
I hope that you all forgive my sporadic robot dancing and the fact that I tend to make up songs that seem to make no sense and have no relevance to what we do. Who can forget that haunting melody “I like pumpkin pie, bla bla bla, blu blu blu”? How about the dulcet tones of “Send a survey….Survey sent”?
So, once again I am sorry. I wont stop, but I am sorry all the same.
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I feel so left out not to be ridiculed by you. I gave you so much material too like wearing red pants and Crocs.
I call you hippie smurf behind your back.
Okay, I know it’s lame, but you made me laugh so hard that I wish I knew you. Thanks for being wonderfully quirky. I feel bad for those who don’t get how funny you truly are.
I wish you worked in my office. We could go to lunch together everyday at 12:45 and compare nicknames. I could announce that I am hungry like a she-wolf.
Would there be inappropriate touching? I ask as it is hard for me(TWSS) to make female friends, as my milkshake brings all of the bla bla bla.
YOU KNOW KING KONG?
TWSS
Dear Sir,
I love you. I a propose marriage. Let us robot dance until the sands of time fade…
Regards,
Cat Ninja
I accept your offer.
Dear Sir,
I object, loudly, to this marriage. First of all, Cat Ninja is already engaged. To a cat. And she is human. Second, I am very nervous that you come from a parallel universe since we have been robot dancing and zombie dodging regularly long before we ever stumbled upon your page. Why did you steal our life?
In sum, you may not marry Cat Ninja. However, you may visit us at work if you are ever in Harvard Square, and possibly marry one of us then.
Kind regards,
Dino Rex(ette)
I will marry all of you, take that!
Ha. So good. Love the nicknames. But what takes the cake for me is TWSS. Suck it HR.
HR has covered my ass a few times, literally and then figuratively. Im all about not making their jobs harder. TWSS
When I used to work at this ice/oil company(we were slick haaaaaaa) I would get McD Happy Meals for lunch and at the time the toys(for girls anyway) were these really teeny Barbies, like four inches long. So I collected them and my friend used to always get them and give them to me. One day he and I were wasting time and we decided to use black tape to make one of the Barbies a hostage and from there it got out of hand until there were like eight little Barbies all taped up in weird positions hanging from my moniter and posed on my desk. My buddy and I thought it was so funny, we were laughing so hard at each new combination.
The next morning all of my Barbies were off my desk and I found them in a paper lunch sack in my drawer. No note from HR or anything but I was pretty sure someone didn’t like our hostage and bdsm barbies.
It was probably the woman who had been previously kidnapped and tortured. Or maybe the Jesus freak in accounting.
HR makes the work environment so stressfull, but only because of those people who can’t take a joke. Or even those people who take offense to the stupidest little things. One time on my lunch break a friend of mine and I had gotten into a disscusion about Greek mithology on the smoke patio. One woman came out in the middle of our disscusion and lit a cigarette. When I mentioned one of the Greek gods she immediately put out her cigarette and stormed inside. I was later talked to by HR about my innapropriate language and they threatened to move me straight to a final written because of it. I informed them of what me and my friend were talking about and said that I was offended that she found the discussion innapropriate. Luckily I was not written up for it.
Acting like a weirdo at work weeds out the people with no sense of humor. That’s always been my motto.
Smart plan.
If was to work an “earthling” style job, free pharmaceuticals would need to be dispensed, on-site. But as one of the future overlords
of this world such activity would be unbecoming.
don’t forget get the infamous, “Servers are breaking!!! Servers are crashing doooooown!” Thats me all time favorite…
Thats on my greatest hits