Brandon! Brandon! Brandon, come here!
That is what I heard for five minutes while we were in the Quicky Mart. Your 3 year old was running all over and knocking stuff down while you and your Whiskey Tango (white trash) wife were getting your post methadone clinic Big Gulps. You would yell every 30 seconds “Brandon come here” like an hillbilly fog horn. I wanted to yell “turn your fat jowls and watch your crotch fruit, yelling Brandon every thirty seconds does not make up for your lack of parenting “.
I chose not to as I just wanted out of there.
I paid and left and I guess you paid as well as you came out of the store as I was unlocking my car. Brandon came running out of the door and straight towards the open traffic. At 2 foot tall he would run right by me and not be seen by the oncoming car.
I glanced at you hoping to see a look of horror as you realized the impending impact but no, you were busy playing with a coupon for Skoal Bandits. I grabbed the kid with my free hand and jerked him back from running in front of the car speeding through the parking lot and then walked him over to you for what I thought would be a hero’s welcome.
Not so much.
You just squared off and said that I should get my hands off of your son. I asked you if you were sure he was your son because your wife looks like a real goer, know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge nudge, wink wink.
I have since found out that Monty Python references seem to make white trash confused and upset and want to fight.
You raised your fists, started to say something and I kicked you square in the nuts. I’m not a fighter, I’m not a lover either but what I am is a cheap bastard and I didn’t want to spill the soda in my right hand. So in retrospect I am sorry I kicked you in the balls but I felt threatened and reacted.
I hope Brandon is ok and you are feeling better.
The soda was delicious.
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Don’t knock those Skoal coupons, they are like manna from heaven and are better than beer coupons when it comes to getting it free from the wifey.
Epic.
Most conversations make rednecks confused and eager to fight. There was probably no avoiding the situation.
Yep….still kinda <3 you.
That is the the limit I am able to be loved.
Kinda
God I wish you would blow through Walmart in Sacramento in the mood of the century!
Stop with the dirty talk
Frightening use of the antiquated Mullet.
SH*T – now I am going to always associate my buddy Brandon as WT. No turning back now….its a ruined name. thank you.
sissy
This might be a little off topic, but did you happen to find out where he got that coupon?
Quotes from “Talledaga Nights” usually work better.
Indeed
Splendid storytelling well told sir!
Over here in the UK, we outlawed the mullet hairstyle as long ago as 1968, on the simple grounds that it’s offensive and indicates that you:
A) don’t possess a library card (also an offence in the UK)
B) may have had someone called ‘Jethro’ in your family – we check back at least 6 generations, just make sure
C) are prone to sucking straw (a dead give away that you’re gay – also an offence in the UK).
Seriously though, Chris, a great laugh there – pleasure to read!
Cheers,
Bren.
TY for the kind words
I have always loved quoting Monty Python at unsuspecting strangers.
I actually started quoting the dead parrot sketch at some dude and he started right along as if his response was the most natural one in the world! People walking by (this was on a busy sidewalk) looked at us funny, and a few actually stopped and watched, laughing along as if it was just another episode of the Flying Circus! It was awesome.
Arent those awesome moments?
Hilarious. That made my day. You need to come regulate here in Cool Springs.
Redneck hillbillies make me laugh.
John R Carlisle
My favorite joke:
Did’ya hear about the guys what got caught smugglin’ books into Mississippi?
They had to let’em go, cuz nobody could prove they really was books.