As I peruse the internet I happened upon a website called Craigslist and there is a section within that site call Missed Connections where the love-lorn and the star-crossed may leave a binary shout out to their unrequited loves. As I browsed I was struck by the strange absence of my name or postings asking for me. I thought this to be just a mistake as I am pretty awesome. I surmised that you are not descriptive enough in your posts as to catch my attention so, to that end, I have written a Missed Connection for you to use so that you may garner my attention better.

I saw you early monday morning driving to work in your 2000 Toyota Camry. You in your middle aged glory as you listened to talk radio and puffed on your cigarette as you drove exactly the speed limit on the 101. I see you every morning, the sun shining off your balding head. I like the way that you shave rarely and always have a little facial hair going on. You seem to be a quiet sort preferring to read books over watching TV. I can tell by the few extra pounds you carry that you are not athletic but not obese, not even the male version of a BBW which we know is code for fat.

We have never spoke but I can tell you are witty and urbane and yet silly and very random.

A tool with a sense of humor.

If I see you again Ill say hi and make it painfully clear that I would like to have a cup of coffee with you as I can see that you are a social retard and have a hard time picking up on signals.

I was at the corner mini-mart after work to get my post work soda. I was parked in the second to last slot. I usually take the farthest slot so that no one can sneak up behind me (its a partially deaf thing, I can’t tell where sound is coming from and in noisy environments I try to avoid any embarrassments).

I was bent over with the passenger door open cleaning the trash from the passenger side.

That’s when it happened. You slid in behind me in a Jeep filled with two of your girlfriends and as you cut the engine I farted, right at you. I thought I was alone and loosed the aggregate farts that I had been saving all day. The sound was deafening, even to this deaf guy.

The sound was akin to a cat and an empty paint can being throw into a dryer and the spun for 5 seconds. It must have scared you, it scared me.

I saw movement out of my good eye and immediately spun around in shock, I had no idea people were behind me or I wouldn’t have initiated the full launch sequence. There was a lot of road noise around us as I told you “Its my fan belt, it makes odd noises”. You saw the car keys in my hand and told me that fan belts do that sometimes but my car isn’t turned on. I scrambled for a comeback then said ” That’s how bad it is. It makes that noise even when its turned off”.

You laughed and I did.

We had our little moment.

As you walked in the store and I opened the drivers door to get in and you said that I might want to get that checked. I asked if you where referring to my fan belt or my digestive system. You laughed a bit more as I pulled away.

Dear reader, that’s the closest I get to a love connection.

I am in love with red hair. It does not matter if it is naturally red or some shade of red, it sets my teeth on edge.

Flo from Progressive, I love you.
Scully from the X files reruns. You rock.

Part of this new found illness is that I don’t differentiate between true redheads and the chemically altered, they are all bewitching.

The girl at the convenience store, rock on.

The chick at the bank with the pink hair, see you on Friday.

The funky chick at my work with the crazy streaks, shine on you crazy diamond.

You all made Roy G Biv your bitch and I love you for it!

I always order the same thing and you always ask me to repeat my self. I re-order in Spanish and wonder why I hadn’t ordered in Spanish to start with. I make a mental note to do this next time. I have made the same note many times and then forget the very next time that I drive through, I guess it is a process.

I pull up to the drive through window and open it and the smell is glorious. You stand there surrounded by the smell of deep-fried, well everything and the sound of the grill spitting and hissing. You lean over to take my change and as you do I can just smell your hair and it is breath-taking! Never before had I thought that the cross between Herbal Essence, bacon and chorizzo would elicit such a response, but my heart races non the less.

You return a few seconds later to give me my change and as you did you cupped my hand with your left hand and passed me the change with you right.

I see what you did there! You are a sly boots indeed.

You give me a single finger pointed upwards to tell me you and my order shall return in one minute. Dont you worry, I would wait at least cinco minutos for you, or my food, but for both?

I digress.

You return, paper bag in hand, 5 napkins and the food prepared as I like. I told you months ago that I like the quesadillas a little crispy, I never had to mention it again.
You have never failed me.

I look in the bag, more out of habit than the questioning of your order-taking skills. 6 red salsas, not the usual 3 you give to the other monkeys, 6! These are cold, you stored them in the fridge for me, the other patrons get a handful out of the room temperature container you keep on the counter.

Just wanted to let you know that the message was received.

Game on!

In my long search to entertain America (mostly the 7 readers here, Hi mom) I have devised a first date ritual that may not only impress the ladies but bewilder and confuse them at the same time. I don’t know why I think that ladies want to be bewildered but a true Star Wars chick cant help but be impressed by this(my Monte Python idea went down in flames).

The rule is very simple, you can only respond to her by using lines from Star Wars(from the 80’s, the new ones are awful but use what you can).

Her- Thank you for taking me to a nice restaurant I’m a bit upset that you are late.

You- I can feel your anger it gives you focus, it makes you stronger!

Her- I fear that I don’t get your meaning but thank you for acknowledging that.

You- Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering.

Her- OK, but I’m not really angry.

You- Anger, fear, aggression the dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.

Her- Ok then. This is a nice place hope its not too spendy for you.

You- If money is all you love, then that’s what you’ll receive.

Her- Again not what I was saying, I just was it was a nice place. Err hmm You look nice!

You- When 900 years you reach, look as good, you will not.

Her- So umm, what are your thoughts about our new president?

You- All who gain power are afraid to lose it, even the Jedi.

Her – I guess that’s true, so you like Star Wars I take it. Would you like to be a Jedi or something?

You- I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.

Her- Now you’re just freaking me out, I have to go.

You- I have something here for you. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it.

Her- Please put your penis back in your pants, I am leaving

From there it usually devolves into a shouting match and some state authorities are called.

If all else fails tell her that you can make the kessel run in three parsecs, chicks dig that.

If you find the right girl this tactic is magic, magic I say.

——–

I will give you what no other can.

A paper hat!

Thats right ladies your own paper hat. I will make it for you out of that days paper. If you wish I can adorn it with frilly things and semi precious stones.

Wanna be a sexy pirate? Can do.
Wanna be a French emperor? No problem
A sweet cowgirl? I can make that happen.

Paper hat baby!

Unlock that free wheeling child in you with a paper hat. Quantities are limited, I think the Spokesman only puts out a thousand a day so get yours.

I come with the paper hat too.

Mid thirties? Yep
Average looking? As average as it gets
HWP? A few extra pounds
Single? You got it, women wont touch me
Ever married? See above
Have hair? More than others but spread out across my body so that no one part gets more than the other parts
Have teeth? All 68

Act now and I will build you a fort made from couch cushions.

This is a 30 day trial offer. If you decide, for any reason, not to keep me keep the paper hat as my gift to you.

-Your mouth says, ‘Shields up!’, but your eyes say, ‘A hull breach is imminent.’

-Honey, you’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places!

-I may look like an Ewok, but I’m all Wookie where it counts, baby.

-What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this when there’s a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.

-I’ve been told I have the cool sexual prowess of a Romulan.

-Once you make love to a man with Vulcan ears on you never go back.

-How ’bout I slip into something more comfortable… like these STAR TREK VOYAGER pajamas!

-Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on ’stunning’.

-Tell me of this thing you humans call (pause) love.

-Forgive my Kirk-like boldness, but you wanna go back to my mom’s place and watch ‘Dr. Who’?

-Nice Asimov.

-With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.

-If I was an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes

-I less than three you. (I <3 you)

-Would you like to be the numerator or the denominator?

-What’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you’re the 1.

- You’re like an exothermic reaction; you spread your hotness everywhere!

-You know, it’s not the length of the vector that counts; it’s how you apply the force.

-Hi, I’m writing a new make-out program. Would you like to join the beta-test?