As I exit the front doors of my work every morning to take a break I head for my car with the sun shining directly in my eyes. I usually can make out the color and the model of my car among all of the other cars but the sun is shining in such a way that it is hard to make out many other features. What makes this whole process a bit more sticky is that we all have the same hubcaps with no tint on our windows and all are sans bumper stickers.

So I am here to sheepishly admit that I have opened or attempted to open all of your cars at least once and simple math tells me that a few of you got a second go around.

I am sorry, I am embarrassed as noted by the fact that I removed my hubcaps to better identify my car. This works great! I can avoid staring into the sun and single out my car.

It works great until 3 other of you do the same thing.

I think that we need to start a club, The Order of the Cameri. We can swap stories and tell rakishly funny Toyota jokes if there are any.

I mostly just like the name, we don’t have to tell Camry stories.

I know that I am a little young and a bit rambunctious but why. Do you frequently have those that upset you castrated? You said we we going for a ride. It was never mentioned that the ride would culminate with me loosing my nuts. Would you go on a ride like that?

Ok, I understand that neutering is supposed to make me live longer and better but how about trying a diet or something before you jump to the castration thing.

Was it the frantic running everywhere?

The insensate barking?

The dry-humping of anyone’s leg/couch/pillows/open door jams/boxes/shoes/vacuum cleaner?

Was it the peeing in your shoes? I bet it was the peeing in your shoes.
A little shoe peeing and off with the nuts.

Well whats done is done. I guess Ill just have to live with this, not much I can do. I mean I’m a dog what can I do.

Just know that someday I will I will avenge my junk!

Decapitation-

As we all know the only way to kill a zombie is to sever said zombie’s head. With that in mind I have lowered all of my ceiling fans to neck height.

Misdirection-

I have placed “Free Brains” signs on all of my neighbors doors. I am not sure if zombies can read but if they can my hope is they will pass me by.

Appeasement-

I have posted a sign on my front door that lists directions to my local Walmart. In the note  I say that it is a store full of brains and is called Brainmart. This might seem cruel but lets face facts, those people are already dead inside.

Feel free to implement this plan if you don’t already have one, unless you are my neighbor.

Let me state, for the record, I am not fan of Z Coil shoes nor sandals in general. You have joined the two with my most feared most hated persona, the hippie.

I am sure you are a nice guy as most of the people I work with are, but dude! You are over 6 feet tall and are at the very least 300 pounds.

To top it all of you kind of lope when you walk. It is a very odd gate like that of a drunken Sasquatch. You may have back problems, maybe that is why you wear them but I have to tell you they don’t complement the tie-dyed shirt that you made in the late 90’s when you were 30 pounds lighter. Your yellow-white pony tail seems to bob back and forth as you trod the halls with the dexterity of the giant trolls that attacked Helm’s Deep.

Sir, I mean you no ill will and am just curious why you choose to wear the fanny pack of footwear.

Rock on you crazy hippie.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Walmart- Like hell only cheaper.

Walmart-Now with spiroketes.

Walmart- Where else can you shop and have a good chance of seeing someone have their stomach pumped?

Walmart- Low prices and low class!

Walmart- Hepatitis free since 03.

Walmart- Just like Calcutta but with better parking.

Walmart- Our associates will never make eye contact with you nor acknowledge you in any way.

Walmart- Where else can you get a gun and Ding Dongs at 3 AM?

Walmart- Rollback your will to live.

So I have a scar!

So what?

Its on the back of my head and 4 inches long, big deal.

You wanna fight about it?

It’s not the usual scar that is thin and flush to the skin, it’s raised up a few millimeters and  a few millimeters thick, big deal.

Its flanked by another scar that resembles a horizontal half-moon, no big woop.

It’s from and injury that left me blind in one eye (not like the blind sheik that we see on TV with the crazy milky eye), deaf in one ear and dare I say a tad gimpy. Not to get all “My left foot” on ya but I find myself stronger, a bit more appreciative of life but I have zero patience for jackassery(unless I am the instigator and then its all good).

But I digress, we are not hear to talk about my physical condition, we are here so that I might regale you with tales of my scar (which oddly looks like a relief map of the lower Nile), or should I say Scaint.

Oh the mighty Scaint, object of legend, lore and the best one-liners of my past 15 years. I wish I could claim credit for the name but that goes to an ex-girlfriend that ran her hands over the scar and joyfully bellowed “scar, no taint, no Scaint”. After I would get my hair cut she would swoop in and gently run her hands over the back of my head and purr “freshly shorn scaint”. There is something comforting and dare I say sexy about your girlfriend finding joy in a physical abnormality of which you are embarrassed.

If I know you or have at least talked to you enough to say hello I have no problem with you asking what happened or how I came about Scaint ownership. It is the people behind me in line,at the store, or just walking behind me anywhere that deem it necessary to comment that active the launch sequence on my sarcasm. Please understand that after the first few hundred comments I became adept at telling those who are truly curious from those that ask from a snarky or malicious manner.

The comments I get are usually in the line at the store and always stated in a snarky manner. The comments have different verbiage but amount to the same question, how did that happen. I even had a few people ask if I knew that I had a big scar on the back of my head.

I have a bag of about 10 replies I draw from and I tend to mix them up as the setting or mental faculties of the asker calls for.

Usually I just say its from an old ninja injury.

A year later and now I will tell you, I had all of the answers you wanted! I could have let you stay late and play with the iPhone. You would have been the only person in the state that would have got a sneak peek. But you pissed me and every other ATT employee off. You called at least 30 times a day and took us away from other work. I spent hours on the phone with you answering “I don’t know” to questions that could have been answered by the millions of articles on the Internet. The iPhone was $600, I could have given it to for $200.

You drove me to it. I stayed late on the night before the iPhone launched and licked them all! It was my crazy revenge.

Take that bitches!