Why is it that every conversation that two men have ends up in a competition more times than not? I know that we are competitive creatures but what leads us to make bets and argue about inane and trivial happenings?

This was not one of those times, this was about pirates! » Read the rest of this entry «

Brandon! Brandon! Brandon, come here!

That is what I heard for five minutes while we were in the Quicky Mart. Your 3 year old was running all over and knocking stuff down while you and your Whiskey Tango (white trash) wife were getting your post methadone clinic Big Gulps. You would yell every 30 seconds “Brandon come here” like an hillbilly fog horn. I wanted to yell “turn your fat jowls and watch your crotch fruit, yelling Brandon every thirty seconds does not make up for your lack of parenting “.

I chose not to as I just wanted out of there.

I paid and left and I guess you paid as well as you came out of the store as I was unlocking my car. Brandon came running out of the door and straight towards the open traffic. At 2 foot tall he would run right by me and not be seen by the oncoming car.

I glanced at you hoping to see a look of horror as you realized the impending impact but no, you were busy playing with a coupon for Skoal Bandits. I grabbed the kid with my free hand and jerked him back from running in front of the car speeding through the parking lot and then walked him over to you for what I thought would be a hero’s welcome.

Not so much.

You just squared off and said that I should get my hands off of your son. I asked you if you were sure he was your son because your wife looks like a real goer, know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

I have since found out that Monty Python references seem to make white trash confused and upset and want to fight.

You raised your fists, started to say something and I kicked you square in the nuts. I’m not a fighter, I’m not a lover either but what I am is a cheap bastard and I didn’t want to spill the soda in my right hand. So in retrospect I am sorry I kicked you in the balls but I felt threatened and reacted.

I hope Brandon is ok and you are feeling better.

The soda was delicious.

I wish to take this opportunity and apologize. I try to make our shared workplace a fun and exciting environment to come to. I do realize that some of the things I do may seem off putting and a bit repetitious but I come from the school of thought that states that things are most funny around 255th time that I do them. With that said let me list a few of my oddities and lay bare my secret shame. » Read the rest of this entry «

I should have known better. I only had one item to get, I knew it was close to the cash register and I would get out of there relatively unscathed.

Effing Walmart!

I wasn’t going to fight rush hour traffic just to go to the real-people store, I just needed a case of Diet Coke.

I walked in and was immediately hit with the familiar smell of dirt, BO and fat. I was 10 seconds in and had my Coke and was in line. I checked my 6 for carnies and the ambulatory half-dead that inhabit this place, nada. I was out in less than 3 minutes.

I walked to the far corner of the parking lot where I always park, this gives me 3 clear egress points where I have no traffic to impede my quick get away. » Read the rest of this entry «