In daily life we are usually not confronted with situations that call for violence. But there are those times when a physical confrontation is unavoidable. To that end I have developed a list of sayings ,that when used in an altercation, might make your would -be assailant think twice.

“I will double-knot your sneakers.”

“I will re-sort your Tupperware.”
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My back was killing me.

I had just moved into my new house and all the lifting really tweaked my back. I’m not sure why, I was keeping my legs locked and lifting with my groin as I was taught. I took a hand full painkillers and still could not sleep, I needed a heating pad. I was not feeling pain but I knew I had to fix my back or I would pay for it in the morning.

Looks like I was heading to Walmart as it was 4 am.
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1. If you google his name its often spelled Seagal or Segeal. How much do you have to suck as a movie star when half of America knows your name but doesn’t care about the spelling?

2. A ponytail makes one look like less of a bad ass and in no way deflects really bad acting.

3. There is a limit to which wearing black can hide your pot belly and wearing it in every scene kinda gives away the the fact that you are wearing it because you are fat.

4. Even though you look like an Asian mongoloid Hollywood might hire you.
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I sat in the ER whilst a family member underwent a battery of test to diagnose the acute chest pains she was having. I sat there for hours worrying and could think of nothing else than her well being.

Well that and the fact that a 350 pound man was sitting across from me farting. Not the kind of I’m sorry that I have gas and will try to muffle the sound, no this was full on locker-room farting.

After the doctor assured me she was fine but they would have to run more tests I settled in for another 3 hour wait. That is when I took pen to paper ( really crayon that I took from the children’s play area and a brochure that spelled out the dangers of the Swine Flue or Monkey Pox or something animal-bore illness) and started naming your farts. » Read the rest of this entry «