Why do I keep going there? I loath Walmart. I loath the people there and most of all I loath myself for stepping foot into that backwoods carnival. Yet I go, I try to go at 1 or 2 in the morning to avoid the orcs and assorted Nair-do-wells who are huddled in a RV doing meth and singing Sweet Home Alabama.

Dear reader if I haven’t mentioned it before I would like to state for the record that I have a very strange phobia about Walmart. I cant be in there longer than 10 min’s or I freak out. Ask anyone that has gone with me and they will tell you I have a Darwinian shot clock. I think that the melange of inbreeding and the lack of teeth or footwear just spooks me and 10 min’s is my hair trigger. No matter what I’m doing, at the 10 min mark I just walk.

I digress. » Read the rest of this entry «

I am not what one would call a gourmet. Not a gastronomical engineer nor a culinary specialist. My meals are usually ordered through a clowns head of some sort then delivered by a person who’s lack of hygiene is only rivaled by their apathy. But I digress.

I decide that I need to learn hot to cook bake or at the very least make food hot in preparation for consumption. To that end I hit the grocery store and searched for a home made meal that wouldn’t tax my limited skills. I settled on fish sticks and coleslaw, best not to set the bar too high. » Read the rest of this entry «

Ok, I’m back. What were talking about?

ADD? OCD? Or just plain odd?

I’m not sure which of these I have. I believe I have a melange of all of these with a hint of narcissism and mild neuroses.

What is odd is that people that i know who have a few hints of any of these psychological disorders are all highly intelligent people that are very funny. Maybe they are funny because of them. Maybe I just view their actions through a different filter and thus find their actions funny. » Read the rest of this entry «

I don’t know what came over me. We all have those silly thoughts that run through our heads sometimes but we dare not say them out loud and I think somehow, last night, the wires got a little crossed. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my behavior, which I can assure you was a complete anomaly and will never happen again.

In case you forgot

You handed the cashier lady a coupon for something or other and she replied back to you, “this is expired.” You seemed a bit flustered. Perhaps it was the slightly rude way in which the check-out lady said it. Perhaps you are a bit obsessive compulsive. But I assure you it was quite an honest mistake.

Why I would then proceed to yell “Oh! In your face!” is beyond me.

I thought it in my head joking with myself as I’m often apt to do. But the synapses just weren’t firing correctly or something. It was instinct in it’s purest form.

Believe me I was just as embarrassed as you and the check-out lady. Perhaps even more so. Were it not for the chuckling of the people behind me that uncomfortable silence might have lasted for an eternity. » Read the rest of this entry «