1. If you google his name its often spelled Seagal or Segeal. How much do you have to suck as a movie star when half of America knows your name but doesn’t care about the spelling?
2. A ponytail makes one look like less of a bad ass and in no way deflects really bad acting.
3. There is a limit to which wearing black can hide your pot belly and wearing it in every scene kinda gives away the the fact that you are wearing it because you are fat.
4. Even though you look like an Asian mongoloid Hollywood might hire you.
5. Hire a body double for every scene that doesn’t show your face. Even the scenes where you are doing anything mildly athletic.
6. Most people fold their arms across their chest in a pseudo manly gesture, don’t rest your girly arms on top of your pot belly thereby drawing attention to said pot belly.
7. A halting delivery when speaking made William Shatner and Christopher Walken famous men, you just sound like a dumb ass that cant recall your lines.
8. When Googling your name the word douchebag comes up in every 3rd result.
9. One does not need to be proficient at martial arts to be billed as knowing same. For example if you can spell Kenpo I guess you can proclaim to be a master.
10. If you weren’t famous you’d be know as “that creepy guy”.
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LOL…for a second I flashed forward and thought how this also sounded like a certain someone who was on Letterman recently and was considered, “not there”…great job!
OMG! I didn’t even know he had an album. Bizarre.
My hairstylist was actually a stand in for SS on one of his movies. He drove a car on a mountain road, and jumped off of a platform. Sadly, his career went the way of Seagal’s and he has experienced no further run-ins with fame.
Steven Seagal used to be a serious bad ass. Then I saw him run. And watched him get get fat. And fold his hands over his belly (#6). It is a shame that he blows now, cuz he used to kick major behind.
Side note: My favourite Seagal line of all time, has to be from Above The Law, when refer to a huge coke, “What is this, chalk for girls softball games?” Brilliant. And the way he delivers it, just like the d-list actor he is.
Steven Seagal would kick Chuck Norris’s ass any day of the week. Just sayin.
And Chowner, the unicorns mounting avatar is classic.
Was trying to send this:
http://cheezburger.com/View.aspx?aid=1091232000
#4 bwahahahahaha! Apparently, when I laugh I pee;)